Filed under: Uncategorized
Still here. Cautiously optimistic that I’ll find the time to write again. Building up the courage to start publishing my posts again. Maybe in a different avatar. Soon.
Filed under: Random Stuff
I was recently asked by a Young Person if I had ever felt like I could not breathe and my chest would burst ? This was part of a larger conversation generally about How Hard It Is To Be Young. The tone of voice was to suggest how I must NEVER have experienced anything so intense, since I am so OLD. Oh, to be young. Youth truly is wasted on the young. Nevertheless, I don’t think I want to be young again. Another friend and I once agreed that in one’s youth, one has an almost unending capacity to accept sh!t from people one doesn’t like anyway. Well, I’ve tried too hard to make too many people like me for far too long and then blamed myself when they didn’t anyway. I may be past my first bloom and I may be past any intense feelings (probably anyway!), but there is a security, a certain predictability I find, that makes aging worthwhile.
Why then do I have this… this longing ? Funny thing is, I don’t even know what exactly I’m longing for. I thought it might be that I want to work – hence all my earlier anguish laden posts about not being able to work ou of the house. In the past months, I said to myself, if its work we want, there’s no dearth of work. As a result, I am now on the executive commitee of the MOMs CLub, Volunteering at E’s cultural school, organizing the Diwali function, On the PTO in E’s school, the Head Room Parent for her class, Playgroup co-ordinator for DSA’s playgroup, committed to excericing 3 times a week ……(insert some more non-paying, time consuming work here)… and if the husband had not forcibly made me give up the idea of more animals (which I have not by the way, he just doesn’t know it yet), I would now be foster mom to a bunch of dogs as well…..Are you tired reading this paragraph?
Good, because I am too. Tired out with doing everything. I love doing it. It keeps me busy. I have some good and not so good experiences. I learn. I meet new people. I enjoy what I do. I could do this for a long time. But still I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t think. It makes me restless. It makes me angry and sad and unhappy. It makes me lonely. There is not enough work in the world to fill the void I want to fill.
No comments from now on – for a while anyway. I really want to just write without feeling scrutinized. People who really really want to reach me will find a way.
Filed under: Random Stuff
I started the 30 day shred two days ago and all I can say is …ow. I hurt everywhere.
Gets a little repetitive. But if you look past that, its a great little video. I guarantee you will break a sweat in the first 5 minutes. And hurt for the rest of the day.
about something I did.
Yesterday was Moms Night Out, and we had a great time. Toward the end it was just a few of us left and the conversation turned to another Mom who is no longer part of the club because of some personality conflicts. I let slip that I knew her husband’s family pretty well and had a bad experience of her and I disliked her for it.
I realize this doesn’t sound like much but I feel terrible about it. I’ve only met this woman once and maybe she was having a bad day – besides I think its inexcusable that I told of my connection to her husband’s family. God I feel like I must have sounded like a heretic. And now I’m second guessing *all* the conversations I had last night with all the other moms and thinking “oh, my God, did I just come across as a drunk racist and dominate the entire evening and ruin it for everyone or what?”
I’m worried that I’m now going to be ostracized from the group – not the club, but the group. And everyone’s going to laugh at me behind my back. And avoid me. And these are the women who I will meet in school when E starts K next year and then they’ll form a clique against me and their kids will do the same against E and she’ll end up suffering for my mistakes.
I know I sound paranoid and sunk, but that’s truly how I feel. I find it so hard to have the social graces of making friends. Even when everything is going well, I manage to screw up something. Most of all, I regret that instead of remembering all the great moments we had last night, all its going to remind me of forever after is this slip of tongue that turned into a party ender.
Filed under: Musings
is hard to find
I am now a housewife. No point denying it or sugar coating it or calling it by any other name. I am an over worked, underappreciated always taken-for-granted housewife. I shall likely remain so. Because I chose the wrong field to make my career in and I have effectively marketed myself out of the market. If I have to get back into the market I have to do something drastic – like update my skills (drastically) or switch career paths or something. There will always be the issue of childcare and money for childcare. I will always have handicaps which will impede my job search. I cannot commute far, I cannot work long hours, I cannot accept work related travel trips… all of which seriously cut down on the type of jobs I can apply for. I’ve looked at all the fields I can possibly work in. You all know I tried to go back to school to get a degree in a different career path. But without University funding and finding affordable childcare I can’t afford it. I’ve looked at teaching, working part time, working full time, relocating, starting a business, starting an online business…. so far – no luck.
I think its a shame and a waste that hard working intelligent women are being pushed out of the workforce because of insufficient support systems. I’d wanted to volunteer my time with certain organizations that work with issues dear to my heart – but I can’t make that happen because I simply cannot afford to pay for someone to look after my kids while I have no income coming in.
I don’t regret quitting my job to raise my kids. I do regret having to let go of my personal goals and dreams in order to do it. And I just feel drained by the bitterness and anger and helpless that I feel because of it.
So, here is where I swallow my pride. I wish I had a paying job. There. To all you people who wanted to see me fall off my high horse and rub my nose in the dirt, who thought I was a b!tch, everyone I’ve ever been mean to and everyone who just plain didn’t like me – be happy. I’m eating humble pie.
You moms with more than two kids. God, I’m exhausted. And over scheduled.
E is just finishing the school year (Tuesday is her last day). I had a tear-y Parent Teacher Conference with her teachers. They really love her and I’m sorry she has to move on. Part of growing up right ? I have another meeting today, with her new teacher, at her new school (the one she’ll attend in Sept) so she knows where she’s going to be going and who her teacher will be etc. She stuck a cherry pit up her nose the other day. Why ? Why do kids do crap things like that ? Then she realized she couldn’t breathe and started crying and then DSA started crying because E was crying and I’m trying to get her to breathe through her mouth and blow her nose at the same time. It would be funny if it wasn’t scary. She’s getting to a place where she understands a lot more than she lets on, but she just can’t handle the emotional significance of what she understands well enough yet. She’s angry and moody a lot more than she used to be. I worry about her transition to the new school. She’s upset that she won’t be going to Gymboree anymore. She’s enrolled for summer camp and can’t attend both places because of schedule conflicts. She’s angry that DSA co-sleeps with me but she has to sleep by herself in her room. I kind of understand where she’s coming from, I just don’t know how to make it any easier for her. I know a lot of it is age related and will get better as she gets older, but its so hard to watch your child brood and internalize everything.
DSA is now becoming a perpetual motion machine. You have to be there running after him EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. He’s trying to walk, trying to talk, and God alone knows what else. He stuck his hand in the fan. Not when it was running thankfully. He stuck his face under water. No reason. Just to see how it felt. Gave me a grin afterwards. He’s at an age where he has no fear. I’m scared enough for the both of us. This kid is going to be the one that gives me gray hair. If I have any left after I pull them out in frustration. E was easy to negotiate with. I’d talk to her and then if she didn’t agree she’d tell me why and that way we’d reach an amiable solution. This kid, he listens carefully to everything I say, and then does exactly what he wants. I’m so tired. He’s doing well with PT. He’s almost caught up on the left sided delay, but with each new developmental stage, we have to go back and repeat all the PT stuff so his left side can catch up to his right. Last week I was taking a tour of this gym and the guide asked me if I wanted to leave the kids in the on site daycare. I agreed for E, but I said I’d take DSA along. As it turned out he didn’t want to come so I let him stay against my better judgement. He was fine for about 15 minutes and then he cried like his heart would break. When I ran in to pick him up he was so upset I almost cried myself. Since then he has kept me in eyeshot at all times.
I had my yearly pap. I have a cyst. A big one apparently. I know lots of women have cysts and a vast majority of them are fine, but this is my first cyst and it scared me. I have a good doctor, he knows my nature well and so the first thing he said is “This is not in any way dangerous. You are going to be fine. This is a normal cyst in women of childbearing age. It usually resolves on its own. I want you to come back in two months and we’ll check again”. I know in my rational mind that all I can do it wait. But in my irrational mind I’m scared. I mean, because the cyst was there to begin with. It shouldn’t have been there, you know? I don’t have big aspirations in life, I don’t have great ambitions or anything, all I want is for my kids to grow up happy and content and for me to do everything I can to help them get there. When life throws these unexpected things at you it sort of shatters the peace. But, I’m getting better at keeping the fear of the unknown out – I’m trying to focus on the fact that this is a normal thing that a lot of women suffer from and other than waiting and watching, there isn’t much to do.
My Mom teased me once about kids being “gifts from God”. In generations past when discussing the birds and the bees was considered taboo, that was the euphemism that was used. Kids were gifts from God. We laughed and I let it go. I mean, we’re (the husband and I) the ones who decided on having kids and we’re the one who concieved them etc. What arrogance. Now, I feel that while we may have decided to have kids and we may have concieved them, the fact that they grew normally inside, and that they arrived stateside safe and sound when so many things go have gone wrong during any of that time – in that sense yes, they are gifts from God. And I shall forever be grateful for them.
Oh and lets not forget the house. Our plumbing in one of the upstairs bathrooms broke. We had two plumbers in succession come by and try to fix it. They both ran away. Apparently the bathroom is too much for either of them. The last one ran, unfortunately for us, with a cheque for the partial work. We’re in the middle of trying to get it back. So we have a hole in the ceiling downstairs, a bathroom that does not work and a cheque that has not been returned. Joy. Homeownership. See the connection ?
Its my birthday next week and the husband got me – surprise, a GPS unit. I didn’t think I’d need one. But I’ve gotten lost a couple of times in the past months and since the kids are with me in the car he got me one. He always does this. Gets me gifts that are impossible match on his birthday. Last year I’d whined about wanting house plants like back in January. And come June (my birthday), surprise, he got me two houseplants for my birthday. How do you top that ? He remembers and notes down and spends time searching and then finds the perfect gift for the perfect occassion. One of these days I’m going to really have to find him something he loves and find some way of gifting it to him.
Anyway, I know I complain a lot about the house and the kids taking over my life and whatnot. One of my readers wrote to me saying “write about you. Your life. Not what your kids did and what broke in your house and what your husband didn’t do etc”. I’m sorry but this is my life. Stuff my kids do and how we try to fix up this house and the evolution of my relationship with my husband. I used to miss having my own time. I sometimes still do, I don’t deny it. But there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing at this moment with my life than what I’m doing right now. The difference being that now I’ve understood that fact.
And that’s another thing I will always be grateful for.